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Autism disability Health Mental Health Teaching

What am I worried about?

Like seriously what am I worried about? Why am I stressing over something that hasn’t even happened? Funny thing is, I am not even stressing about the thing, I’m stressing over the outcome of said thing. Mad how your mind works.

Whilst I’m sitting here typing my head is having an argument, you know the kind of argument where your brain thinks of a scenario that could happen, and then you decide that is what is going to happen. It’s the hypothetical thought of a scenario that is making you stress. The thing is you know its hypothetical and you keep trying to tell your brain this, but its having none of it. Why are your emotions so stubborn? Its like they wont shift.

Hypothetical situations to me always come from past experiences, the feeling of being let down, the feeling of betrayal, disappointment in one’s self, making mistakes. For me they always seem to come from the negative, always think the worst possible thing is going to happen. I always try to counteract these thoughts, ok so what if that does happen? What if the worst event does happen? and the answer always is I’ll deal with that when it happens. That’s the issue, the thought is always worse than the event.

Its great to be scared, its good to feel wary of any situation, but why is what you want to do and what you don’t want to do the same thing? Say you apply for a new job; you obviously want to do that, but then another side of you doesn’t want to apply? I simply can’t be excited about smashing the interview, I can only think about failing the interview. Why? Because its easier to imagine disappointment than happiness. And I don’t think I’m the only one saying this.

All you ever hear in life is ‘don’t get too excited’, ‘calm down’. Maybe its our society that makes you feel like you should be bringing someone’s expectations down. Again, go with the applying for a new job, you tell your friends and acquaintances about this exciting opportunity, you’re excited, buzzing even. This could bring so much to your life and you know it, and then one person just crops up as the ‘realist’ and reminds you of the fact that you haven’t got the job yet. Point to add about those people who self-describe themselves as a realist, you’re a dick. Everyone knows when it comes to applying for a new job of the pitfalls, the fact that they could not get it, but the same person also knows that they will deal with that issue if it does happen. Life goes on. This doesn’t just include work, this fits in with relationships, hobbies and just day to day life. Why cant we just enjoy the dreams?!

Back to worrying about a hypothetical situation, I want like anyone to just go through each day with no worries, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that this just isn’t going to happen. Its about reasoning with the worries, because it turns out, distracting yourself from the worries no matter what anyone tells you doesn’t work. The worries wait, they sit and wait for you to finish your 4 hour FIFA session with your mates, the drinking session down the pub, the long run you just did. Your thoughts will always be with you, as they are you.

So, now to calm myself down from my worries I try to focus on the ‘worst case’ and then I focus on the ok so what if that happens? I always have an answer ready. While I am aware that focusing on the negative thought isn’t the most cheerful, it’s a start as I feel like I’m controlling the emotion, I’m basically telling it a big fuck you. I’ve also learned to start writing my worries down, my notes on my phone are now full of any worries I have day to day. I was worried about going into work the other week with a freshly shaved face, I was scared because no one had seen me without facial hair, turns out, no one gave a shit and said I look a lot better without. I can look back now at how irrational the worry was because like I’ve said nine times out of ten the thoughts are worse than the actual event. The future is what scares us and creates the anxiety, not the present moment.  As one great philosopher once said, Life is a roller coaster, you’ve just got to ride it. 

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